Dante's Guide to Cybersex Part I: Ground Rules

Alright, we'll get back to the ladies of CraigsList Casual Encounters in a minute. But one of the women I've been emailing and instant messaging with has prompted me to interrupt myself to bring you part I of my series: Guide to Cybersex.

It seems that there are some problems and misconceptions about cybersex--namely the same misconceptions that often exist about regular sex. The male problem is that they are notoriously poor at it, and unwilling to consider their partner's needs. And this leads to the common female belief that there's never anything even potentially rewarding in it for them in itself. I'm going to skip over the "finding a partner" step. While it's a very important step, there's pretty unlimited potential, starting with Craigslist CE.

Now I'm not sure exactly what guys are doing wrong to perpetuate these myths. Maybe it's this. Whatever the case, I've never had unenjoyable cybersex or a cybersex partner who has complained. (I'm well aware that women tend to fake orgasms, and that it's much easier to get away with it online. But a faked orgasm is compliments enough for me.) I attribute our mutual enjoyment to setting some clear ground rules, and following some unstated ones. This isn't quite the same thing as having a safeword (a bit unnecessary when you can escape by logging off) but here are a few examples you should consider (slightly phallocentric, but you can figure it out):

1) Choose a tense and point of view. It does no one any good if you write: Dante walked across the room and kisses Tiffany on her cheek and then I lie my hand rest on your bosom . An absurd example, but still it helps if both people stick to writing in second person, present tense. Granted, it does read like low class porn. But it's cybersex--efficiency in storytelling outweighs flowing poetic erotic sentences. (Writing second-person may need abandoned in a room with 3 or more people.)

2) Control your own character only. It's fine to write: I grab each of your hands and pin them to the bedpost above your head. It's marginally acceptable to write: You shudder and throw your head back with excitement as I take each of your fingers, one at a time, into my mouth. It's not okay to write: I give you a knowing glance, and you start to unbutton your top. If you want her to undress, then you should tell her what your knowing glance means. Then she can tell you about her undressing.

3) Alternate turns writing. Simple enough rule. It keeps the game fair and keeps contradictory statements from being made simultaneously. You'd hate to call in a referee, or have to backtrack too much.

4) Keep your sentences short and your changes small. The first half is obvious: no one wants to be kept waiting too long for a full paragraph; it really tends to take the fun out of the evening. The second half is a rule brought over from regular sex: If you're naked, aroused, and brandishing a bullwhip before she's had a chance to get her socks off then she might get scared, think you're overeager, or give up all hopes of ever catching up. Plus you'll finish too soon, dumbass.

5) Use relatively good grammar and spelling. Nothing like needing to be asked for a clarification. I know the heat of the moment makes people say and do stupid things, but you've got to keep your head in the game. This rule has a corollary that's more important though: Don't call out your partner's mistakes. You are not Strong Bad and this is no time to work on noun-verb agreement.

6) Don't deny your partner. This rule comes from the land of improv comedy more than BDSM and dominance. In fact, as they all apply to cybersex, go read all the basic rules to improv comedy--I'll wait. "Don't Deny" means simply that you should respect and treat as real whatever reality your partner has created. And also have the courtesy to remember the "rules." Suppose she starts off by writing: I'm sitting on the bank of the pond, with my bare feet wading in the water, waiting for you to join me in the moonlight. Then at no point during the rest of this scene should you take off her socks, lie down on the four post bed, or watch the sunset together. Duh. In addition to following the scene, be sure to follow hints as well. e.g. If she's "taking off her bra to free her plump, tender nipples," then now isn't the time to be squeezing her butt. Focus man, there'll be time later.

Alright, that's enough for Part I. Did I leave anything out as far as rules go? Oh yeah, only masturbate while the other person is typing. Just common courtesy.

Angie's Erotica for ESL Students

Angie was the last (or at least latest) to reply to my CLCE post on December 19. No, I didn't write back Angie to correct her grammar, spelling, or capitalization errors (though the fact that she misspelled "xoxoxoxo" concerns me a touch). But even with my reply (very bottom of post) I haven't heard back from her since her first message. Bummer. Maybe I'll have to write her again in her native language of dyslexia.

Hello Dante,
I am Angie. I am 28 years old and would love to communcate with you. I am a very senouse person and would love to find someone who enjoys talking about sex as much as they enjoy doing it. In my opian I think sex is 90% in the mind and the rest in action. Now mind you I have been told that my opioan don't really matter soooooooo....lol. Anyway I am interested in opening these lines of communication and hope to here from you soon. If you don't mind this is how i would put you to bed.....
I Would start by light a candles in the bathroom and turnon a hot shower. I would slowly undress you and remove each piece with my teeth.Then I would kiss you softly and lead you into the shower. I would follow you. I would later up the washrag and..... well if you are interested in hearing the rest let me know.
xoxoxoox,
Angie

My reply:
Angie--

Thanks for writing. I fully agree that sex is at least 90% mental. Besides, the brain is by far the largest sex organ in the body, and it needs love too.
I'm definitely want to hear what you'd do with me in the shower, and then when you're done, maybe I'll bathe you as well.
Until then, stay dirty,
--Dante

Dude looks like a lady

So I did a little research on the "Dude" replying to my CraigsList ad below, and it turns out in this case "she" used the name "Dude" and indentified as male on other pages to post trading advice. So either he sometimes pretends to be a female to play out his erotic fantasties or she sometimes pretends to be male to garner gender-prejudiced legitimacy when giving her financial advice. Again, since it could be either, I'll presume the later so long as things stay fun and interesting and I'm not forced to figure out otherwise.

From: "Dude" s****@mindspring.com
Date: Dec 18, 2005 11:16 PM
Subject: Penpals in Erotica... Let's exchanging dirty bedtime stories - m4w - 24

hi. first of all, don't be put off by my name on the email... this is an anonymous account i use... i know it says dude but i'm not! i'm a 28 year old married woman... in good shape... i have some interesting "kinks" that my husband isn't really into... i'd be curious to maybe think about exploring them in email.

i wondered if maybe we could chat on messenger to break the ice? msn? let me know, and let me know when you're online. hope to chat soon.

-M

Don't worry, I'll post Michelle the dude's "interesting kinks" later when I'm done with introductions.

Pamela rules my pants

This response to my CraigsList post is from "Pamela." Again, I don't know whether or not that's "her" name, but she's one of the best writers and certainly the most interesting I could have hoped to correspond with. So really, why would i want to challenge the idea that I'm writing with a hot 25 year old with a hot ass and a mind-control fetish?

Hi there Dante,

Have you seen the Levi’s Jeans commercial, where this guy is waiting around in his apartment, and some thief comes along and steals the jeans he left hanging outside? The cocky little crook zips up and starts to walk away, but he doesn’t get a few steps before something strange happens. His legs and pelvis begin to mimic whatever moves the guy in the apartment is doing. He has lost total control of his lower regions.

That idea gets me so hot….I want to do that to you, I want to be in control of your jeans…and everything they‘re concealing.

I'd like to talk with you through Instant Messaging, but email can be fun too. Just good tantalizing conversation, completely casual, and relaxed.

A little about the girl you’ll be chatting with. I'm 25, 5 ft '7, kinda tall, white, 159 lbs., dark hair, and a nice ass. This could be a true description, but of course you can’t be sure of that. If we decide to trade pics though, you’ll find out.

I’m looking for a good conversationalist, creative, and who can offer some interesting fantasies.

Are your jeans getting tight fella? If your interested send me an email. If you’ve got any fantasies or scenarios you’ve been dieing to try out, let me hear them. If they get me really hot I’ll reply sooner.

Message me soon boy …..your jeans are under my control.

But did it work?

Would my CL ad work? Would it attact any babes? Or even old, ugly women? Or even men pretending to be women? The answer to at least one of these questions is "yes." Kinda wish I knew which one, but what can you do. A sample of responses came in over the next couple of days. Here is the first one:

I read your personal ad on craigslist. I love to write erotica. I have not had an audience for some time. I would love to read something of yours to get my juices flowing...in many ways. ;)

Anna B*****

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

Alright, no reason for me to believe that this is someone who's an attractive blonde hottie, but hey a response is a response, and beggers can't be choosers. Besides, just knowing someone had actually read my post was vindication. So I did write her back and we've got a bit of a story started. But I'll save that for another day's show and tell. Right now let's break down the odds (as I call them... completely unscientfic):

Male: 55%
Female: 45% (gets the 45% from the two inspirational quotes... if it is a guy, he did his homework.)

Under 20: 5% (no, I don't think she's under 18, no I'm not going to ask her)
20-25: 10%
25-30: 20%
30-40: 35%
40+: 30%

I won't touch height/weight ratio or try to speculate on other potential imperfections. Besides, I'm looking for casual encounters of the text kind. What do I care about poor hygene and a possible adam's apple? I've got 4 complete senteces. And while none of them give any indication of an above-8th-grade reading level, I, like anyone who trys to write for fun or money, just love to hear those words that turn me on so much, "I would love to read something of yours." (See Sideways).

My First CraigsList Casual Encounter Post

Below is my original post to CraigsList Columbus. I also attached a picture borrowed from HootIsland that can be found at http://www.cafepress.com/hoot_isle.6046334. Although this particular picture isn't dirty, the site warns that you should be at least 18, and have a good sense of humor about sex. By the way, if you ever get the idea that you want to post to CL, always have a picture. Who's going to click on a casual encounter link with no picture?. And of course you want a snappy title...

**************
Penpals in Erotica... Let's exchange dirty bedtime stories - m4w - 24
Reply to: dante.hunter@gmail.com
Date: 2005-12-17, 1:01AM EST

Seriously, if you want one-night NSA sex, try one of the several thousand 40-year olds propositioning women in exchange for home repairs (yes, I actually saw that). Me, I'm just looking for someone to email back and forth. Erotica is fun to write, but only when you have an audience... even if it's just one person. Exchanging dirty fantasies across the electric abyss to strangers--what better epitomizes the purpose of the internet.

I am single and relatively attractive, skinny, 6-foot white guy, FYI. So if we get our kicks sharing fantasies and stories and decide to meet to flirt, fool around, or fall in love (stupider things have happened) the option is there if the desire is found.

Alright, so I'm going to submit this now, with hopes that my request fall across the eyes of someone interesting enough to find this intriguing, honest enough to share secrets, and of course daring enough to actually write. So what do you say?

Double dare you!

--Dante

this is in or around Columbus, OH
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
yes -- ok to transmit this posting into outer space
*************

Damn straight you can send it to outer space. Note that this posting was done at 1 AM, completely without foresight, on a whim. It's pretty sloppy & unprofessional, but I didn't think it would work anyway. I've posted and read CL for other things before--jobs, blind dates, lessons, free stuff, and rants. But this was my first CE post.