Dante's Guide to Cybersex Part I: Ground Rules

Alright, we'll get back to the ladies of CraigsList Casual Encounters in a minute. But one of the women I've been emailing and instant messaging with has prompted me to interrupt myself to bring you part I of my series: Guide to Cybersex.

It seems that there are some problems and misconceptions about cybersex--namely the same misconceptions that often exist about regular sex. The male problem is that they are notoriously poor at it, and unwilling to consider their partner's needs. And this leads to the common female belief that there's never anything even potentially rewarding in it for them in itself. I'm going to skip over the "finding a partner" step. While it's a very important step, there's pretty unlimited potential, starting with Craigslist CE.

Now I'm not sure exactly what guys are doing wrong to perpetuate these myths. Maybe it's this. Whatever the case, I've never had unenjoyable cybersex or a cybersex partner who has complained. (I'm well aware that women tend to fake orgasms, and that it's much easier to get away with it online. But a faked orgasm is compliments enough for me.) I attribute our mutual enjoyment to setting some clear ground rules, and following some unstated ones. This isn't quite the same thing as having a safeword (a bit unnecessary when you can escape by logging off) but here are a few examples you should consider (slightly phallocentric, but you can figure it out):

1) Choose a tense and point of view. It does no one any good if you write: Dante walked across the room and kisses Tiffany on her cheek and then I lie my hand rest on your bosom . An absurd example, but still it helps if both people stick to writing in second person, present tense. Granted, it does read like low class porn. But it's cybersex--efficiency in storytelling outweighs flowing poetic erotic sentences. (Writing second-person may need abandoned in a room with 3 or more people.)

2) Control your own character only. It's fine to write: I grab each of your hands and pin them to the bedpost above your head. It's marginally acceptable to write: You shudder and throw your head back with excitement as I take each of your fingers, one at a time, into my mouth. It's not okay to write: I give you a knowing glance, and you start to unbutton your top. If you want her to undress, then you should tell her what your knowing glance means. Then she can tell you about her undressing.

3) Alternate turns writing. Simple enough rule. It keeps the game fair and keeps contradictory statements from being made simultaneously. You'd hate to call in a referee, or have to backtrack too much.

4) Keep your sentences short and your changes small. The first half is obvious: no one wants to be kept waiting too long for a full paragraph; it really tends to take the fun out of the evening. The second half is a rule brought over from regular sex: If you're naked, aroused, and brandishing a bullwhip before she's had a chance to get her socks off then she might get scared, think you're overeager, or give up all hopes of ever catching up. Plus you'll finish too soon, dumbass.

5) Use relatively good grammar and spelling. Nothing like needing to be asked for a clarification. I know the heat of the moment makes people say and do stupid things, but you've got to keep your head in the game. This rule has a corollary that's more important though: Don't call out your partner's mistakes. You are not Strong Bad and this is no time to work on noun-verb agreement.

6) Don't deny your partner. This rule comes from the land of improv comedy more than BDSM and dominance. In fact, as they all apply to cybersex, go read all the basic rules to improv comedy--I'll wait. "Don't Deny" means simply that you should respect and treat as real whatever reality your partner has created. And also have the courtesy to remember the "rules." Suppose she starts off by writing: I'm sitting on the bank of the pond, with my bare feet wading in the water, waiting for you to join me in the moonlight. Then at no point during the rest of this scene should you take off her socks, lie down on the four post bed, or watch the sunset together. Duh. In addition to following the scene, be sure to follow hints as well. e.g. If she's "taking off her bra to free her plump, tender nipples," then now isn't the time to be squeezing her butt. Focus man, there'll be time later.

Alright, that's enough for Part I. Did I leave anything out as far as rules go? Oh yeah, only masturbate while the other person is typing. Just common courtesy.